Ummm, maybe I should do this one later....

If you procrastinate, what is your most popular excuse
and why?


My procrastination ties into my perfectionism. I want it to be perfect. So if I want to make a special dinner, I want to wait until the house is clean, and everyone is happy. (no they don't ever seem to happen at the same time.

Or I want to be able to have "enough" time. When I paper scrapped I "had to have" at least a few hours, I couldn't just pull out a few things and squeeze in a bit here and there. And that mentality goes for many things in my life. This is hard because due to my schedule- kids, bus stop runs, errands, working, karate, gymnastics,etc-- there are very few decent chunks of time in my life. (Which is a huge reason I love to digi-scrap!)
It makes it "easy" to procrastinate because it seems like never enough time to get started, let alone finished.
And for the record, I started this one yesterday morning and here I am, finishing it up today. :)

TV shows

Of all the TV programs, which one have you watched the most? Why?
Is it connected in some way to your life and/or perspective?

I am actually not much of a tv person, I would rather read than watch tv. But in the last year, since we got the DVR (digital recorder, like Tivo) with our cable package, it feels like i am watching more tv than ever.

Right now I like mostly the crime dramas; CSI, NCIS, Law and Order and so on. I used to like comedies, like Friends but my life seems pretty serious still. Doesn't feel like there is much to laugh at.

However I am enjoying a couple of comedies. I gotta get my Jon Stewart/Steven Colbert fix. I watch the re-runs at 8-9 pm. They are always good for a laugh. I recently heard that there are Stewart/Colbert for Prez t-shirts. I think I should get one-- I'd vote for them.

Healing

II know that this prompt was from days ago, but I felt it was important for me to write some of this down.

Right now, i do not know how to heal. I am focusing on survival. Day by day- really at some times minute by minute.
What I need to remember is that I have healed before. Maybe not allothe way- the hurts and fears are still there. Just more "dealable." The last couple of years have been a roller coater with enormous ups and downs. The fact that there have been ups- some even for extended periods of weeks and months lets me know, I can feel happy again. Sadly I have also come to learn to not trust that feeling. I know that is something I am going to need to work on-- when I amable to feel healed.

Survival- keeeping one foot in from of the other, keeping my kids lives as stable as possible. That is what I need to focus on. The healing will come in time.

Sadly therapy has been over for a little less than a year. My treatment for' the ED was ended very abruptly by my insurance company as they had deemed me "medically stable. My treatment was to be to intensive outpatient-- 21-24 sessions, three nights a week. After 12 sessions, they said I was not going to be covered any more b/c I was not losing any more weight. My team was able to fight for me to get 4 more sessions. Obviously not enough as all I had to eat yesterday was a few pieces of lettuce and a tomato and cheese sandwich.

But I know if I ever do want to heal, that starving of myself has to stop. I do know that. At the time it seems like the only way to numb the pain and gain control.

My psych. therapy also ended- as my insurance was grumbling that I had hit my yearly amount of treatment- and at that point in time I was better.... now I feel like I have nothing to say? Same old shit, different day....

For now, it is important for me to have an outlet. This blogging is a good start. And again, I think all of you fromt he bottom of my heart for all of your good thoughts.
I have to survive by reminding myself of the good I have in life.
I have two beautiful kids, a good extended family, good friends, and the part of me- that may be not feeling it right now-- but the core of me that is strong.

Thanks and many blessings to you all.

Illness

This is going to be a tough entry here for me to write. But I think it is what I have to do. i apologive for grammaticla errors and typos. I just have to get this out.

As some of you have read, my dh has had an "illness" for over two years. he started getting rage attacks, uncontrollable urges in May of 04. He has been on and off disability since then. My family has been through hell and back numerous times over and over in this period. No one knows why this happens, and noo one knows how to stop it. It is terrifying to me that at any moment, he could have an "episode" as we call them. My kids have gone thorugh this hell with me and I have tried to keep them sheltered from it as much as possible. But that is impossible. he just called me fro work, he in the midst of an episode and is trying to talk himself through it without storming out of work, quitting. or breaking something.
I worry constantly for him, for my kids, for my family's future. There aRE DAYS i FEEL THAT i ABSOLUTELY CANNOT LOOK TOWARDS THE FUTURE. Which makes me feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I love him with all of my heart. I want us to be happy like we used to be. We still have really good moments, in between the shit. If I didn't love him so much it would actually be easier for me.
I had been in therapy myself for well over a year, including treatment for my eating disorder. I use food too control myslef when life is out of control. Or I deny food to punish myself? I def, use not eating to keep the pain away- of ht ethoughts and fears. Obsessing about food and calories becomes my "outlet" just like an alcoholic needs a drink to keep his/her mind of the bad stuff.
I am sitting here crying b/c I can't go on somedays. I can't keep the worry and fear away. I can't pretned any more that its ok.
When will this end?

In Laws? Outlaws?

How did you first meet your in-laws? Impressions?


Ye gods, when I first met my InLaws, I was so intimidated by them, especially by his mom. Looking back, I don't really know why, but I was. Perhaps it was because I knew from the very beginning that he was The One. I felt that his dad liked me, but Mom, I simply could not read her.

Here is is 16 years later and I am so blessed to have them in my family. I work for my MIL- kind of like her personal assistant. I clean her house, work on her accounting- odd jobs here and there. I have a flexible schedule and can work at home on occasion. It is just one day a week, but every little bit helps. She pays well and we have a lot of fun together too.

My FIL has been a godsend over the last two years while hubby was sick. He has helped in so many ways.

I know too many people who don't get along with their parents and/or their IL's. I am so incredibly fortunate to have wonderful relationships with both.

PS: That is not to say they are perfect or calm! Not at all! But heartfelt. And that is what really matters.

A Woman's Work is Never Done. Never.

What do you dislike the most about being a housewife(SAHM)or housework in general? What are the best things about this challenging job? (Motherhood and/or housework)

The housework bit is pretty easy to answer. What I dislike most is the drudgery of the tasks that never end. You can never say you are "done" with laundry. Or the dishes. Or dusting. Or just about anything else that has to do with cleaning. It makes it hard, far me anyway, to relax completely because there is always one more thing on my plate. And the kicker of it all is that no one ever really gets to enjoy their "progress" or accomplishment. Once the living room is vacuumed, I have two kids and some hairy pets who will muck it up in no time flat. But the plus side to all of that is when my kids or hubby even say that they love our house and they are happy living here. That makes me feel appreciated at the very least.

One of the hardest things about being a mom is the feeling of being pulled in thousands of directions at the same time. It is hard with the challenges of too much to do and not enough time to do it in. And the feeling that I am always rushing somewhere-- it gets exhausting. And it is depressing. There are too few days where I feel that I can really stop and smell the roses, so to speak, with my family. And that bugs me more than anything. Life is slipping by. And for what? Whatever "it" is, it never seems worth it.

But there is a huge benefit to being a SAHM. My kids. I adore them. I love them more than life and it makes my heart smile when they say that they love me, or that I am the best mom ever. A hug from them is worth thousands of loads of laundry. A kiss would be one million dinners that they said they didn't like. It is the huge amounts of joy they bring me, and the enormous amount of pride I have for them. And I wouldn't trade any of that for the cleanest house, the most gourmet meals and the most free time. They are worth more than all that, and then some.

games and Toys

Describe a childhood game you used to play. Who did you play with? Any special (ie. made-up) rules?

I honestly can't think of a particular game we would play, other than Barbie's or dolls. So what I am going to blog about today is my rant on today's toys and games for kids. I dislike most of the toys on the market, I hate the commercialization of *everything* and I hate the lack of imagination most toys need these days. You should see me walk throught Toys R Us. I mutter madly to myself about all of the recylced garbage that fills the shelves.

Most toys later are overpriced pieces of junk that took no imagination to create, and no imagination to use. For example, a few years ago, when the Hulk movie came out, green hulk hands were all over the commercials and on the store shelves. All you could really do with these is put them on, and hear them make noise when you hit something with them. Great idea! Sounds like loads of appropriate fun! *saracsm*

Then the next year's movie was Fantastic Four. New toy on the market-- come look!! It is a set of hands that make noise when you hit something. But instead of green hulk-y looking ones, they are orange and red, like the Fire/Flame/Whatever guy from the movie. So this company literally recylcles the idea, changes just the color of the hands, and all of the kids who already lost interest in the Hulk hands they have, now want to have the Fire-Guy hands.

I think that these hands were priced at around $25, and I will bet any amount of money that the majority of kids lost interest in them within a week.

So there is my rant. I could go on about how so many kids are lacking in imagination because not the toys do all the work- all you have to do is press a button and the toy tells you what it wants to do or how you need to respond.

What ever happened to the games and toys where you had to think about how to play, you had to use your own voice to make it sing or talk? Or even better, what ever happened to the big box that could be colored and made into a rocket, a pirate ship, a tent, and a cave all on the same day?

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops? Not really searched, but I was arrested (drinking in a public place- a golf course at night)


2. Do you close your eyes on a roller coaster? Sometimes


3. When's the last time you've been sledding? In high school


4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone? With someone. Even when Hubby is away, I like the dogs up on the bed with me


5. Do you believe in ghosts? Yes, I have even seen one once

6. Do you consider yourself creative? I don't, but other people do


7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife? Yes. Without a doubt.


8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie? (silly, I know ... but very "now") Jennifer. When they broke up, I was honestly sad for her.


9. Can you honestly say you know ANYTHING about politics? Yes, I try to be as informed as possible.


10. Do you know how to play poker? Yes.


11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight? No, but I have felt like it.
!

12. What's your favorite commercial? Hmmm, gotta think...


13. Who was your first love? Scott Jenkins, in High School

14. If you're driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around you, do you run a red light? No


15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you? No


16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees? Yankees


17. Have you ever been Ice Skating? Yes, and hated it.


18. How often do you remember your dreams? Bits and pieces every night


19. What's the one thing on your mind? What the heck is happening with my life.


20. Do you always wear your seat belt? Yes


21. What talent do you wish you had? To be able to sketch or draw


22. Do you like Sushi? Yes, but I prefer cooked or smoked rather than raw


23. What do you wear to bed? T shirt
.

24. Do you truly hate anyone? yes.
.

25. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be? Jon Bon Jovi :)


26. Do you know anyone in jail? I did , but I don't hang with him any more


27. What food do you find disgusting? Meat that looks like animal (eg: Cornish game hen, roast turkey)- organ meats.


28. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back? Not my good friends, but one two-faced friend that I am no longer friends with. Yes, she deserved it and more.


29. Have you ever been punched in the face? Yes


30. Do you believe in angels and demons? Not really, but I believe in faeries :)

Ugh

I am having a scale crisis however.Life has once again turned itself all around on me and where two weeks ago I was feeling stable and happy- now, again, I have no clue of what is going to happen. This is where my obsession with scales and control over food kick in. I am not in a bad spot yet, and I hope to get through this without to much of a regression. But I got on the scale this morning and was ***. I know I have been restricting a bit, not totally but am consciously not eating all I should be and man, I was so mad that the scale isn't budging.

Thank you for listening, it is helpful for me to be able to get it out-- what I am feeling inside.

Body Image

Are you pleased with what you look like? If you could change any part of yourself what would it be?

Oh this is such a tough one for me. Most people would look at me and say, How pretty, cute shape, etc. What they see, and what I see are two completely opposite things.
A huge part of my eating disorder (ed) is body dismorphia. That means that I have distorted "vision" of how I think I look. I look in the mirror and see rolls of fat, bags under my eyes, double chin...
Sadly, when my ed in in full swing, I hate-- truly despise-- just about everything about myself. My skin, my teeth, my weight, my blubber. On a good day, I can accept and occasionally even admire certain things about me. At those times, I like my hair, think I have a cute smile. But most days I hope for a neutrality towards myself.

If I could change something about my physical appearance today, it would be to tighten and tone all of my muscles, especially those in my thighs, hips and stomach. I hate my stomach! Ii recently started reading a book --oh who is the author- same woman who wrote the Vagina monologues-- Eve Ensler! about women hating there stomachs. It became too painful and soul searching and I put it down.
Maybe this is a signal I should try to read it again.

Me, On Survivor? Not a chance?

Do you think you could ever be on the TV reality show, Survivor? If so-why?
What do you think would be your weakness's, strengths? If not-why?

I do like to camp, don't mind dirt, sun, physical activity and so on, but I could never ever ever ever be on Survivor. or any reality series.

I would not do Survivor for these reasons:

• Bugs
• More bugs
• Other icky creatures
• No ice cream
• Need a comfy bed- I have a bad back
• Where would I get my Zoloft refilled???????
• Need of my own space and privacy, seriously. A few days of being around people with no break would make me insane.

All other reality shows:

• I am too "nice." Meaning I work with others, I am honest and caring. I hate Reality shows because most people on them are back stabbing bitches. I can't play that game. Money is not worth losing my personal values and character.
  

There are many other reasons, but it will just make me aggravated and I don't want to start my day that way. :)

One Slice at a Time

What is the best advice you ever received? What was the situation, and did the advice help?

This is going to sound corny but my dad gave me this advice when I was in college and completely overwhelmed by my course load. He told me the riddle:
Q: How do you eat an elephant?
A: Once slice at a time.

the point of that was to not look at the whole situation, but to work on breaking it down into smaller bits. It helped somewhat when I was in college, but it wasn't until I became a full time SAHM that I really put that advice to good use. Although I think it would have helped better if he used a huge chocolate mountain as an example rather than an elephant!

Proposal = Happy Tears

How were you proposed to? (if not yet married, how would you like to be proposed to?) And did you like your proposal, if you could choose one , what would you like to have happened?

The way hubby proposed to me was really sweet. We had been talking about getting married from the time we were together for only a few months. He was the guy that I met at a party I shouldn't have been at- looked at him and said, that is the man I am going to marry. We were together for 5 months at Christmas time, when he gave me a "pre" engagement ring. At about 8 months or so, we started looking at ring style ideas. His dad's best friend was a jeweler so Gary really wanted to help design and make the ring, which he did. However, as our one year anniversary got closer, he kept telling me that the ring wasn't going to be ready by then, as we had planned.

So our one year anniversary hits, and we had plans to go to the restaurant where we had our first date- (I even requested the same table which was a crappy little one by the support beam pole, got weird looks from the waitress at that request-). As he was picking me up at my house, my mom said how pissy I looked. Well, I was pissy! I was hoping to get engaged, and it wasn't happening.

So we get to the pub. And while we are waiting for our dinner, he hands me a card(one of the few mushy cards I ever got from him LOL) and is says how much he loves me. He signs is "All you have to do is say yes." Confused, I say Yes?
And out pops a little black velvet box with my ring in it. I Was jumping up and down and crying and laughing. The bartender sent over some beers in honor of the moment.

It was exactly as I had hoped. Happy, tearful and surprised!

OMG! *laugh-snicker-snort*

Give us an example of your voice. What phrases do you say a lot? Do you use them in your writing as much as you do vocally or do you "clean up" your writing?

Well, you all want to know about my "voice." Ya sure? LOL I have an interesting voice, both vocally and in writing. I have a lot of catch phrases that I use when I talk, most of which must date me with the younger crowd.

• Nice! Awesome! Sweet!
  
• Frickin' (not my most nicest phrase, but better than the alternative)
• Yay!!
  

I also use a lot of exclamation points when I write. Just in case you didn't notice ha ha! I also talk with a of of exclamation points. Maybe is stems from being a PreK teacher. or maybe I was a good PreK teacher because I use lots of inflection and excitement when I talk.
As a little aside, both of my kids do this too. Their teachers always comment how they read aloud and write very expressively. If I can remember, I'll try to dig up a bit of their writing and post it. They crack me up. And- that is another phrase I use often- crack me up. Which brings me to the excessive use of LOL's I use. Sad to say, but I really do crack myself up as I write or when I read other's writings. I do. One day, I'll be missing because the men in the white coats will have grabbed me and taken me to the "place where life is beautiful all the time! ha hahee ho!..... (Did I date myself again???)

Another feature of my writing is how I write in incomplete sentences. Apologies all around to my many English teachers who taught me better. But that is how I think, so that is how I write. I think in short bursts. I talk in short bursts. Yet both of these show how many times I interrupt myself. My stream of consciousness is more like a tornado. Maybe an earthquake.... Either way, trying to follow my train of thought is a disaster. Nuff said.

Anyway, I could go on and on about my wacky thoughts and writings and voice. But if you have been reading my blog, you already know it!

PS: To all of my English teachers, if need be, I still do know how to write an academic paper, it is just nice not to have to. *grins*

Amazing

Yesterday's prompt got me thinking about the human body and what it will put up with. What about the body amazes you? Are there changes with growth that seem strange? Stupid human tricks?

The thing that astounds and amazed me the most is the body's ability to reproduce. When I think about how we create life- through cell divisions that eventually become organs, tissue, skin, bones etc. It is mind boggling. Even though there are cases where things don't progress as they should in utero, just the face that any baby is born with 10 fingers and 10 toes is amazing. It is probably one of the most complex processes known to man, yet no one really *knows* do they? Mostly we accept that egg meets sperm and out comes baby. How does the cells know what to do? And when it should do?

And then, at birth, it is even more incredibly how this tiny blob of cells becomes the center of your world.

Not over my dead body!

If it would be possible to implant some type of chip that would provide identifying information as well as something like a GPS system into a person's body, would you do it? Would you put it into your child when he/she was first born?

If you would do it, what type of information would you consider having the chip contain? What could be done to change your mind?

If you wouldn't do it, why? What could be done to change your mind?

What do you think the ramifications would be for this idea? What negatives and positives would come from it?

My goodness, no- not ever. (warning! warning!--Political rant coming ahead!). I have been extremely concerned about how much of our personal information the government has in its data bases without our knowledge. Not that I have anything to hide, but the Constitution was written to protect the average person from this type of "citizen monitoring." In the ill of Rights, we are guaranteed to the rights to privacy. And that is important, very important to me.
The idea screams "Big Brother" and 1984 to me. I could go on and on about, what in MHO is illegal and unconstitutional, warrentless wire tapping, data mining, bank account monitoring and so on. But no one really wants me to do that, eh? LOL
I think they only thing that is positive that could come out of this is if a child is kidnapped that the authorities would be able to locate the child quickly.

A Pet of My Own

Dr. Doolittle had a Pushme-Pullyou. What sort of weird creature would you like to have as a pet?
If so, these are my requirements:

• Completely potty trained. Housebroken- whatever! No bodily function messes. At all. (Who wants to guess what I had to clean up from my puppy today?)
• Listens on command
• Never gets sick or has outrageous pet bills. Yes, I spend more on my pets' health than on my family's health.
• Will not eat me out of house and home. Or eat anything in my house and home, including furniture.
• Totally lovable, sweet cute and cuddly. That is a given and I am used to that. I have the sweetest fur-babies ever! (three cats, 2 dogs (one a lab puppy, the other is a geriatic mutt with cancer), and two pet rats)
  

If I had a million dollars....

Ok, so not a million, .... if I found $100 free and clear.... and gave myself permission to completely selfish...no bills, no kids backpacks, no dr. appts.... what would I do with it??

My first thought would be to go shopping for some new clothes. At Kohls. Love that store and when they have sales $100 would go a long way. Maybe I'd get some new shorts, some sandals, a new handbag. Underwear? Perhaps as long as they were pretty, not simply comfy, although I usually wear Hanes her Way. Now they are comfy! :D

If I didn't go for the clothes, I might put it away for my camera. I have been saving for the Digital Rebel. I have $250 saved so far so another $100 would be great!

Maybe a manicure pedicure? *shrugs* Ahh, that just doesn't last long. I want a lot of bang for my buck.

Once last idea- there is a restaurant by me that is simply the most amazing food ever and a reknowned wine cellar. We went once on a gift certificate and for two people, it was $125. That is such a far cry from Chili's or Applebees! I would love for hubby and I to go back there and be romantic and mushy. LOL

Deep musings...

Is the inner you aligned with the outer you?

Is it a cop out if I say yes and no?
Yeah, I guess it is. Drat, now I have to really do some thinking.
For the most part, I would say yes. I am a big believer in honesty and integrity. I tend to see things for what they are, say things as I call 'em, and appreciate it when people can do the same with me. In other words, if my butt looks fat in these jeans, tell me! Seriously, it hurts me more when people try to cover up or play head games with me. I would much prefer the truth, be hurt and get over it. And that is a big part of both the inner and outer mes.

However, being such a Cancer and sensitive soul, I can be very sensitive especially with certain issues. And it is hard for other people to know which ones they are at times. So if you follow my rule of telling it to me straight, it can sometimes backfire. I don't like people to know that I am shy and sensitive. I hide my shyness and insecurity deeply and carefully. When I first meet people, I am typically terrified! Please don't ever put me in a room with a bunch of people I don't know. I'll have a panic attack before I get there, then I recover, plaster my goofy smile and attitude on tightly, and go for it, shaking all the while on the inside. This is usually a huge surprise to people when I "come clean" on my fears.

Physically, the outer me looks pretty tough yet fun loving. I have many tattoos, and dress kind of "funky" for a person my age. I listen to heavy metal and alternative music. Lots of times people think I am way younger than 38. And that makes me think about how I don't always feel my age. I feel like I should still be in my 20's on occasion. Usually way before my early bedtime of 9pm. By then I feel ancient! ROTFL!

But really, I am a kind hearted person. Big mouth, big heart has been used to describe me. And like a Cancer/Crab, I guess I am tough on the outside and soft on the inside. Just please don't try to boil me and dip me in butter. I am sure I would be tough and stringy!

At the Bubble

This a LO I did for the prompt I did a couple of days ago.
Thanks for the idea, I am so happy the way this came out.

Kit is from oScraps- Sherbert Carnivale