II know that this prompt was from days ago, but I felt it was important for me to write some of this down.
Right now, i do not know how to heal. I am focusing on survival. Day by day- really at some times minute by minute.
What I need to remember is that I have healed before. Maybe not allothe way- the hurts and fears are still there. Just more "dealable." The last couple of years have been a roller coater with enormous ups and downs. The fact that there have been ups- some even for extended periods of weeks and months lets me know, I can feel happy again. Sadly I have also come to learn to not trust that feeling. I know that is something I am going to need to work on-- when I amable to feel healed.
Survival- keeeping one foot in from of the other, keeping my kids lives as stable as possible. That is what I need to focus on. The healing will come in time.
Sadly therapy has been over for a little less than a year. My treatment for' the ED was ended very abruptly by my insurance company as they had deemed me "medically stable. My treatment was to be to intensive outpatient-- 21-24 sessions, three nights a week. After 12 sessions, they said I was not going to be covered any more b/c I was not losing any more weight. My team was able to fight for me to get 4 more sessions. Obviously not enough as all I had to eat yesterday was a few pieces of lettuce and a tomato and cheese sandwich.
But I know if I ever do want to heal, that starving of myself has to stop. I do know that. At the time it seems like the only way to numb the pain and gain control.
My psych. therapy also ended- as my insurance was grumbling that I had hit my yearly amount of treatment- and at that point in time I was better.... now I feel like I have nothing to say? Same old shit, different day....
For now, it is important for me to have an outlet. This blogging is a good start. And again, I think all of you fromt he bottom of my heart for all of your good thoughts.
I have to survive by reminding myself of the good I have in life.
I have two beautiful kids, a good extended family, good friends, and the part of me- that may be not feeling it right now-- but the core of me that is strong.
Thanks and many blessings to you all.
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7 comments:
Once again, I wish there were words that I could say, but there aren't. You WILL get through this, and you WILL be better than before! ((((hugs))))
Doesn't insurance just suck when it comes to things like therapy? I'm sorry you are going through all this.
I'm glad blogging helps you. I will be listening whenever you need to vent and I know you will get past this time and you will know how strong you are.
I know what you are going through. With both of my daughters diagnosed bipolar, we've been through the insurance hassles. I'm glad you are taking one day at a time, because that worked for me too. I knew if I made it through this day, every day I would be stronger to make it through the next. When you think you want, don't hesitate to reach out to someone for help. There are plenty of people who would love to help you if they know you need it. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Hye girl....hadn't seen you post in a while...just checking in on you. Hope you're doing ok....
Trish aka Artcmom
We miss you...hope everything is okay. Check in once in a while, k?
You are a strong woman. And you will come through this. You already know that but unfortunately it doesn't make the journey any easier. May good fortune be just around the corner for you.
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