II know that this prompt was from days ago, but I felt it was important for me to write some of this down.
Right now, i do not know how to heal. I am focusing on survival. Day by day- really at some times minute by minute.
What I need to remember is that I have healed before. Maybe not allothe way- the hurts and fears are still there. Just more "dealable." The last couple of years have been a roller coater with enormous ups and downs. The fact that there have been ups- some even for extended periods of weeks and months lets me know, I can feel happy again. Sadly I have also come to learn to not trust that feeling. I know that is something I am going to need to work on-- when I amable to feel healed.
Survival- keeeping one foot in from of the other, keeping my kids lives as stable as possible. That is what I need to focus on. The healing will come in time.
Sadly therapy has been over for a little less than a year. My treatment for' the ED was ended very abruptly by my insurance company as they had deemed me "medically stable. My treatment was to be to intensive outpatient-- 21-24 sessions, three nights a week. After 12 sessions, they said I was not going to be covered any more b/c I was not losing any more weight. My team was able to fight for me to get 4 more sessions. Obviously not enough as all I had to eat yesterday was a few pieces of lettuce and a tomato and cheese sandwich.
But I know if I ever do want to heal, that starving of myself has to stop. I do know that. At the time it seems like the only way to numb the pain and gain control.
My psych. therapy also ended- as my insurance was grumbling that I had hit my yearly amount of treatment- and at that point in time I was better.... now I feel like I have nothing to say? Same old shit, different day....
For now, it is important for me to have an outlet. This blogging is a good start. And again, I think all of you fromt he bottom of my heart for all of your good thoughts.
I have to survive by reminding myself of the good I have in life.
I have two beautiful kids, a good extended family, good friends, and the part of me- that may be not feeling it right now-- but the core of me that is strong.
Thanks and many blessings to you all.
Friday, August 11, 2006
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Illness
This is going to be a tough entry here for me to write. But I think it is what I have to do. i apologive for grammaticla errors and typos. I just have to get this out.
As some of you have read, my dh has had an "illness" for over two years. he started getting rage attacks, uncontrollable urges in May of 04. He has been on and off disability since then. My family has been through hell and back numerous times over and over in this period. No one knows why this happens, and noo one knows how to stop it. It is terrifying to me that at any moment, he could have an "episode" as we call them. My kids have gone thorugh this hell with me and I have tried to keep them sheltered from it as much as possible. But that is impossible. he just called me fro work, he in the midst of an episode and is trying to talk himself through it without storming out of work, quitting. or breaking something.
I worry constantly for him, for my kids, for my family's future. There aRE DAYS i FEEL THAT i ABSOLUTELY CANNOT LOOK TOWARDS THE FUTURE. Which makes me feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I love him with all of my heart. I want us to be happy like we used to be. We still have really good moments, in between the shit. If I didn't love him so much it would actually be easier for me.
I had been in therapy myself for well over a year, including treatment for my eating disorder. I use food too control myslef when life is out of control. Or I deny food to punish myself? I def, use not eating to keep the pain away- of ht ethoughts and fears. Obsessing about food and calories becomes my "outlet" just like an alcoholic needs a drink to keep his/her mind of the bad stuff.
I am sitting here crying b/c I can't go on somedays. I can't keep the worry and fear away. I can't pretned any more that its ok.
When will this end?
As some of you have read, my dh has had an "illness" for over two years. he started getting rage attacks, uncontrollable urges in May of 04. He has been on and off disability since then. My family has been through hell and back numerous times over and over in this period. No one knows why this happens, and noo one knows how to stop it. It is terrifying to me that at any moment, he could have an "episode" as we call them. My kids have gone thorugh this hell with me and I have tried to keep them sheltered from it as much as possible. But that is impossible. he just called me fro work, he in the midst of an episode and is trying to talk himself through it without storming out of work, quitting. or breaking something.
I worry constantly for him, for my kids, for my family's future. There aRE DAYS i FEEL THAT i ABSOLUTELY CANNOT LOOK TOWARDS THE FUTURE. Which makes me feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I love him with all of my heart. I want us to be happy like we used to be. We still have really good moments, in between the shit. If I didn't love him so much it would actually be easier for me.
I had been in therapy myself for well over a year, including treatment for my eating disorder. I use food too control myslef when life is out of control. Or I deny food to punish myself? I def, use not eating to keep the pain away- of ht ethoughts and fears. Obsessing about food and calories becomes my "outlet" just like an alcoholic needs a drink to keep his/her mind of the bad stuff.
I am sitting here crying b/c I can't go on somedays. I can't keep the worry and fear away. I can't pretned any more that its ok.
When will this end?
In Laws? Outlaws?
How did you first meet your in-laws? Impressions?
Ye gods, when I first met my InLaws, I was so intimidated by them, especially by his mom. Looking back, I don't really know why, but I was. Perhaps it was because I knew from the very beginning that he was The One. I felt that his dad liked me, but Mom, I simply could not read her.
Here is is 16 years later and I am so blessed to have them in my family. I work for my MIL- kind of like her personal assistant. I clean her house, work on her accounting- odd jobs here and there. I have a flexible schedule and can work at home on occasion. It is just one day a week, but every little bit helps. She pays well and we have a lot of fun together too.
My FIL has been a godsend over the last two years while hubby was sick. He has helped in so many ways.
I know too many people who don't get along with their parents and/or their IL's. I am so incredibly fortunate to have wonderful relationships with both.
PS: That is not to say they are perfect or calm! Not at all! But heartfelt. And that is what really matters.
Ye gods, when I first met my InLaws, I was so intimidated by them, especially by his mom. Looking back, I don't really know why, but I was. Perhaps it was because I knew from the very beginning that he was The One. I felt that his dad liked me, but Mom, I simply could not read her.
Here is is 16 years later and I am so blessed to have them in my family. I work for my MIL- kind of like her personal assistant. I clean her house, work on her accounting- odd jobs here and there. I have a flexible schedule and can work at home on occasion. It is just one day a week, but every little bit helps. She pays well and we have a lot of fun together too.
My FIL has been a godsend over the last two years while hubby was sick. He has helped in so many ways.
I know too many people who don't get along with their parents and/or their IL's. I am so incredibly fortunate to have wonderful relationships with both.
PS: That is not to say they are perfect or calm! Not at all! But heartfelt. And that is what really matters.
Sunday, August 06, 2006
A Woman's Work is Never Done. Never.
What do you dislike the most about being a housewife(SAHM)or housework in general? What are the best things about this challenging job? (Motherhood and/or housework)The housework bit is pretty easy to answer. What I dislike most is the drudgery of the tasks that never end. You can never say you are "done" with laundry. Or the dishes. Or dusting. Or just about anything else that has to do with cleaning. It makes it hard, far me anyway, to relax completely because there is always one more thing on my plate. And the kicker of it all is that no one ever really gets to enjoy their "progress" or accomplishment. Once the living room is vacuumed, I have two kids and some hairy pets who will muck it up in no time flat. But the plus side to all of that is when my kids or hubby even say that they love our house and they are happy living here. That makes me feel appreciated at the very least.
One of the hardest things about being a mom is the feeling of being pulled in thousands of directions at the same time. It is hard with the challenges of too much to do and not enough time to do it in. And the feeling that I am always rushing somewhere-- it gets exhausting. And it is depressing. There are too few days where I feel that I can really stop and smell the roses, so to speak, with my family. And that bugs me more than anything. Life is slipping by. And for what? Whatever "it" is, it never seems worth it.
But there is a huge benefit to being a SAHM. My kids. I adore them. I love them more than life and it makes my heart smile when they say that they love me, or that I am the best mom ever. A hug from them is worth thousands of loads of laundry. A kiss would be one million dinners that they said they didn't like. It is the huge amounts of joy they bring me, and the enormous amount of pride I have for them. And I wouldn't trade any of that for the cleanest house, the most gourmet meals and the most free time. They are worth more than all that, and then some.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
games and Toys
Describe a childhood game you used to play. Who did you play with? Any special (ie. made-up) rules?
I honestly can't think of a particular game we would play, other than Barbie's or dolls. So what I am going to blog about today is my rant on today's toys and games for kids. I dislike most of the toys on the market, I hate the commercialization of *everything* and I hate the lack of imagination most toys need these days. You should see me walk throught Toys R Us. I mutter madly to myself about all of the recylced garbage that fills the shelves.
Most toys later are overpriced pieces of junk that took no imagination to create, and no imagination to use. For example, a few years ago, when the Hulk movie came out, green hulk hands were all over the commercials and on the store shelves. All you could really do with these is put them on, and hear them make noise when you hit something with them. Great idea! Sounds like loads of appropriate fun! *saracsm*
Then the next year's movie was Fantastic Four. New toy on the market-- come look!! It is a set of hands that make noise when you hit something. But instead of green hulk-y looking ones, they are orange and red, like the Fire/Flame/Whatever guy from the movie. So this company literally recylcles the idea, changes just the color of the hands, and all of the kids who already lost interest in the Hulk hands they have, now want to have the Fire-Guy hands.
I think that these hands were priced at around $25, and I will bet any amount of money that the majority of kids lost interest in them within a week.
So there is my rant. I could go on about how so many kids are lacking in imagination because not the toys do all the work- all you have to do is press a button and the toy tells you what it wants to do or how you need to respond.
What ever happened to the games and toys where you had to think about how to play, you had to use your own voice to make it sing or talk? Or even better, what ever happened to the big box that could be colored and made into a rocket, a pirate ship, a tent, and a cave all on the same day?
I honestly can't think of a particular game we would play, other than Barbie's or dolls. So what I am going to blog about today is my rant on today's toys and games for kids. I dislike most of the toys on the market, I hate the commercialization of *everything* and I hate the lack of imagination most toys need these days. You should see me walk throught Toys R Us. I mutter madly to myself about all of the recylced garbage that fills the shelves.
Most toys later are overpriced pieces of junk that took no imagination to create, and no imagination to use. For example, a few years ago, when the Hulk movie came out, green hulk hands were all over the commercials and on the store shelves. All you could really do with these is put them on, and hear them make noise when you hit something with them. Great idea! Sounds like loads of appropriate fun! *saracsm*
Then the next year's movie was Fantastic Four. New toy on the market-- come look!! It is a set of hands that make noise when you hit something. But instead of green hulk-y looking ones, they are orange and red, like the Fire/Flame/Whatever guy from the movie. So this company literally recylcles the idea, changes just the color of the hands, and all of the kids who already lost interest in the Hulk hands they have, now want to have the Fire-Guy hands.
I think that these hands were priced at around $25, and I will bet any amount of money that the majority of kids lost interest in them within a week.
So there is my rant. I could go on about how so many kids are lacking in imagination because not the toys do all the work- all you have to do is press a button and the toy tells you what it wants to do or how you need to respond.
What ever happened to the games and toys where you had to think about how to play, you had to use your own voice to make it sing or talk? Or even better, what ever happened to the big box that could be colored and made into a rocket, a pirate ship, a tent, and a cave all on the same day?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
