Me!!

 

I believe...

Hmmm, I cannot get the song by Bon Jovi, I Believe:
I believe, I believe
With every breath that I breathe
You and me can turn a whisper to a scream
I believe, I believe

I Belive that I will love Jon Bon Jovi till the day I day. LOL. Really! It has alraedy been too many years to count. Was '84 really that long ago?

Ok so, I believe:

• The Earth has a strength and a power that amazes me.
  
• Life itself is a miracle.
• Babies feet are absolutely YUMMY!
• So is chocolate.
• I will never ever stop loving my kids.
• But the two of them are planty enough for me.
• My dog is one of my best friends.
• Purple is my favorite color. (Today)
• My two cats, Ziggy and PJ are up in Heaven, or at the Rainbow Bridge and we will see each other today.
• That my son truly has a "guardian dragon."
• In reincarnation, and that I had died previously by drowning.
• That the summer is much nicer than the winter.
• That ghosts exist.
• That I would give my life for my kids.
  
• I would kill to protect them.
• But I am against the death penalty.
• We are polluting the Earth.
• That I have strong opinions.
• I should have been born a "real" blond.
• Faeries exist.
• A sense of humor is one of the best traits to have.
• Honesty is another.
• I cannot lie.
• And I am having fun writing this!
  

April 26, 2006

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Now isn't that a good question? I wish I knew. First of all, at 37, almost 38, I feel like I should be "grown up." But hell to the conventional train of thought. I am tired of resposibility. I want to "grow down." Or should that be "grow back?" At either rate, I want to add more of the "kidness" and innocense in my life.
To see the world though the eyes of a child, where everything is new and fresh- not jaded or tainted by memories and past expecations- that is something I wish for.

I have never considered myself traditional. I have always been a bit off the wall. So maybe I need to be a bit more of that.
I just found on my desk two plagues I had grabbed fromthe dollar store a while back. They say" Sing as thought no one can hear you" and "Dance as no one is watching you."
My goal should be to do these things each and every day, to help me "grow down."

Entry for April 27, 2006
What physical item can make or break your day? Or the day of someone else in your life?

There are a lot of little things that make my day a bit brighter (or not) on a small scale but there is one thing in my house that can truly change my mental state, my plans for the day, how I look, how I feel. It holds a power over my that literally is all encompassing. So what inthe world could hold this power over me? It is something so innocuous that almost every home has one. You see them in stores, in doctors offices, in gyms. So? What do you think it is?

The Scale.

This small piece of metal, plastic and digital inner workings has a power over me like a drug. And like a drug, I try hard to resist its pull. Some days I can- I am strong and confident. Other days, I am weaker and need to have that fix. Other days, I feel a need for punishment. perhaps I ate too much the day before, and I need to remind myself whay "That is Not Good."

I have come a long way in my addiction. I no longer "test" out the scales in stores, nor do I (usually) "verify" my own weight on scales in my friends' homes. But my own scale beckons me, entices me, makes me think...how did I do yesterday?

And sadly, the number on my scale can make or break my day. Two-tenths of a pound can change my out look slightly depending on the way it goes. One pound or more can be either devastating or uplifting.

One good thing is that I am more aware of its power over me, and that lessens the impact of what it whispers sneakily into my mind. Yet it is still there, always watching me, making me wonder what it has to say.

Why don't I just throw the damn thing out?

Good question.
One I simply cannot answer any more than describing "why" I feel the need to let it rule my days. But i have hope. I am able to resist the scale more and more often. Some day, I will be free of its influence.

Which quality best describes your life--exciting, organised, dull, etc? How would someone else describe it (like your children, a high school friend, random person on the street)?

This is one tough question.... I tend to be a private person in many respects. Only my few close freinds really know the inner me. So let me take a step back and see if I can describe me in an observer's eyes.

On the first glance, I bet I look happy and bubbly. I get the whole "bubbly" description a lot. I am petite, long blond curly hair and I tend to joke around a lot. I love having fun with my kids, so people will often see me chasing them around the playground, without a care in the world.

They would see an environmentally conscious person, one who cares deeply about our Earth. They would see the joy I get from being outside, either playing or working in my yard.

They would see a person who looks much younger than she is. Most people guess me to be ablout 10 years younger than I am. They see someone who dresses in junior's fashions, and seemingly full of energy.

And that is the part that I hide so well. I have so many cares and worries and so much confusion and instability in my life. Hubby has been on disability for two years and things are no better. The exhaustion I feel so deeply inside is kept away. The dark clouds are tucked inside of me. Very few people know of them and if they do, they seem amazed how "strong" I am.

Hah. I wish I was half as strong, half as happy, and half as energetic as I appear to be.